In any relationship I go through the same phases. At the moment I'm finding my self in what I like to call the phase of doubt. It occurs after the first head over heals infatuation, when you are getting more comfortable with the other person, considering your future together and weather or not you really love him. Is this a man I can live with? Do I want to live with him? Could I marry him? Would he want to live with me or is he just with me until something better comes along? Would I keep his baby? Will we lat a life time without killing each other?
The normal questions that you can't ask straight out because you are not certain of the answer and to terrified to find out if the answer really is "NO".
And it seems to me, after too many failed relationships, that there really isn't any good answer, nor is there any comfort in this phase. There is hope.
H O P E.
I hate that. Hope. I mean, it is a good thing to have. Perfectly normal. But it is uncertain, and I think that is what I dislike. Uncertainty. Not knowing. not being able to underline the answer. And how can you underline an answer you do not have.
How do you put hope in a person that you do not know is going to catch you when you fall? And how do you make your self do that over and over again, when history clearly shows that it was not the smart thing to do?
How do I piece my heart together again and again and put it back on the slaughters block?
Of course there is sex. And the headless rush. Companionship. Friendship. Possible family. The two first set aside, as they are the once that will not last a life time, all the others can be achieved without the risk of heart ache. So why go through the trouble of hoping to trust someone new that has no reason not to break your heart? Is it just biology? The evolutionary need to procreate and to seek comfort and shelter for our offspring? Is it because of fear? Fear of being alone. Because you can get friendship and companionship without all those messy feeling. Those messy feeling that is currently making mash out of my brain.
To be continued. Hopefully...
