crushed

My world completely fell apart about two weeks ago. My best friend got cancer. Then, week and a half, on pregnancy and one breast later they found that the cancer had spread. And now I'm the one who's not coping with it what so ever. After I went to see them in the hospital they seemed to fine with everything, and I can't get out the door sometimes cause I can't find a reason to get up in the morning. I can't even remember why I did get out of bed before this happened, but now it all seems pointless. Why should I get up when we're just gonna get cancer and die anyways. I keep waking up at night, bursting into tears everywhere and not seeing the point of finishing my master thesis when this is what awaits me.

In addition I might have let the perfect man walk out of my apartment and leave the country. He might even stay there.

L O S T

I love that I can google just about anything and then find it in pictures. That regardless how i feel, someone has already expressed it in some way I can relate to. There's always a photograph or a painting where I can get lost or where I can familiarize myself.

My life is gonna change soon, and I don't know which turn it's gonna take, and I'm wondering if the lost feeling I have inside is related to the different men in my life that I don't know how to be around. Or that I can't let go, cause he's the only consistent thing. The only thing that hasn't changed in a long way, but is about to.

I feel lost inside my self

sometimes the right thing is to give up

I'm wondering if the time has come

confusion

I'm trying to figure out how I'd feel without someone in my life. If it's possible to do it at all completely do make a clean cut. And I don't know if I want to do it, or if I'm taking this approach 'cause I'm scared and this would be the easy way out.

At the same time I have to acknowledge new behaviour and responses to actions that I've never felt before, and I feel that I have to take those into considereation before making a decision.

I danced with someone yesterday and it felt like I was cheating. I've turned into crazy jealous lady with no way of dealing with it.

Stuff just keeps piling on top of each other, so not sure if this would be the right time to make a decision or if I'm trying to escape some of the pressure.